Heard In The Car Today

I have to laugh each time I think of what my husband said in the car today as he made a legal u-turn: "I love driving adventures." It was so cute, but I don't know what he is referring to. We have two SUVs and never do off-road driving, purposefully, that is. And when in the car, I am usually complaining about long rides or, if driving, cursing at other drivers. So, I will chuckle as I wonder what he meant by driving adventures.

Looking Forward

I have a hard time revisiting the past. On our recent vacation, we visited the area where we used to live, seeing a couple people from our past. But we intended to go see our old house, look up the neighbors, take some photos, but decided, when we were there, that we did not care about doing that.
I am weird in that I don't ever take pictures, or even think of taking a camera. I rarely, if ever, look at old photos or letters as I find it makes me uncomfortable to think about earlier times in my life. That is not to say they were not happy, with nice people and good memories, but I find that I am very focused in the present and looking forward. I was on the "not found" list for my 20th high school reunion (I found out later) and would not have gone if even if they had found me. I am also not very good at staying in touch with long-time friends, though I have been trying to be better about that since my breast cancer treatment ended.
Why am I writing this? Well, I have been thinking about the fact that I don't like looking back and wondering why that is. I thought if I wrote it down, it might help me figure it out.

The Passage of Time

Today a series of unrelated thoughts were connected by one theme -- the passage of time. I feel sad as it is coming close to ten years that my father died and how many lives were changed by his passing. I am thinking that it is only two months since Rabbi Silberman died, and how my sadness is still so strong. It is particularly intense when I am at synagogue reading (and I can read the Hebrew, thanks to Rabbi Silberman's wife being so patient) the prayers -- and I cannot imagine how his wife could ever attend a service without hearing him chanting in her head. I remarked on how comfortable the time passing can be in a relationship can be after 21 years of marriage. And how only seconds pass between the times our 12-year old is pleasant and then, suddenly, miserable. I see the depth of sadness my husband feels as he acknowledges that his mother has been gone over 20 years. And I was really unhappy about the length of time it took for our order to arrive while out at dinner tonight. Yes, that does seem petty compared to the other thoughts. It is easier to think about the many time annoyances in the present, rather than generate sadness from reflecting on times that have passed.

Badly Behaved

I am feeling badly that I behaved so poorly at Safeway today. I was no different than any other impatient, frustrated, annoyed customer, but I have really tried to not do that any more and to focus on being nice and staying positive. But Safeway just hits my button and I turned into an unpleasant person. I know I am not imagining it as the person behind me was staring at me while in line, thinking I was a rude jerk. OK, I was. So, I don't really do it often, and thought maybe I could go apologize to the checker and bagger. And at least I wasn't on my cell phone while behaving badly. But, my conclusion is that it is probably better just not to repeat my behavior and NOT to shop at Safeway, which triggers my rude behavior in the first place.

Sadness and Anger Downstream

Sometimes I wish I could do a Tash Lich ceremony for all the sadness and anger in the world. Tash Lich is the symbolic tossing away of sins in the water on Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and is such a powerful symbolism. When I hear about the burdens people carry in their daily lives and their frustrations or sadness, it seems like you should just be able to help them send them away, down stream, out to the universe, off their shoulders.
When we took our Salvation Army Christmas Angels donations and gifts in tonight, there were so many more on the trees for the taking. We were thinking that we could take several more and help those kids have a happier holiday, even if it was just for one day with one gift. I love that my husband feels the same way about trying to help others in some small way when we can -- it gave him such joy tonight to deliver all the items we carefully selected from the childrens' wish lists. I am so thankful for that as we like doing the Angels each year as our little special project.

Bat Mitzvah Blahs

The Bat Mitzvah weekends for my daughter's friends are slowing down for a month. Each event represents an entire weekend of catering to the times and location of the event and parties. The services are in the morning, followed by lunch. Then she is whisked home to rest and prepare for the evening dinner dance. Adorned with makeup and entire outfits, she joins her friends to dance the night away. We have the honor of picking up and bringing her home, only to have an early wakeup call for Hebrew School on Sunday morning. It is so awesome that she is attending these with her friends, but it is difficult for us to do anything that we want or need to do. She has no time for anything else while at home (laundry, other chores, etc. ) and we are not even mentioning homework or studying for a test.
All these weekend shindigs point to the fact that we must decide how, what and, most importantly, when and where her event and celebration will be. We are weary of discussing alternative scenarios, and are no closer to deciding what we choose for her Bat Mitzvah. The religious significance of the events she attends is lost on her. And, though she has excellent Hebrew reading skills, I think it is more a matter of enduring the training and ceremony in order to have the best party. Foremost on her mind is the kind of music that we will allow the disc jockey to play -- will the curse words have to be bleeped out in the rap and hiphop songs? Well, actually, I guess we do know one thing about her Bat Mitzvah ...and that is, that the words will be bleeped out.

Role Models

How does one help their child become a good person? It seems logical that being a good role model is the best, but it seems that the kids would prefer learning (or is imitating?) their friends. I think the challenge is getting your kid to emulate someone of character, not following the lead of a glitzy, seemingly selfish friend. How much can you push, forbid, discuss, without being totally tuned out?
I just don't know and am trying new strategies all the time. Maybe you should just be grateful for the few moments of kindness and awareness that surface once in a while. Or if they shock you with vulnerability, followed by a remarkable success. Which ever it is, all too soon, they will be grown up and gone, and you will miss them terribly, as frustrating as they are.

Being Jewish at Christmas Time

Being Jewish at Christmas is a lonely business. Yes, there is Hanukkah, but it is only played up to make the Jewish kids not feel badly about gifts and celebrations. I know there was a miracle of lights with oil not expected to last for 8 days, but it still has become commercialized over my lifetime. When I was young, there were no available decor items, but my mother made styrofoam figures of menorahs and rams at Sisterhood meetings. These were decorated with blue and gold bric-a-brac and sequins. There was nothing open, so your only option was to be the first people on the ski slopes Christmas Day. Denny's was open, as indicated by the fact that most of their locations did not even have locks on their doors until about 10 years ago.
In recent times, grocery stores are open part of the day for last minute stuff. As recently as four years ago, Blockbuster was closed, with Christmas as a "free" extra day; now they are open. And this year, some new movies are actually coming out on Christmas Day -- a definite sign of change. I have grown to appreciate the family sentiments of getting everyone together and the lifelong memories that are reflected in ornament collections. I adore the wonderful yard and house decorations and displays that grow more elaborate each year. I cannot resist the urge to go shopping for all the sales and special merchandise available at this time of the year.
But Christmas also makes you feel like the minority that we are (in the last election, 2% of the voters in Arizona were Jewish, the same percentage that were African-American). It also helps you realize how George Bush was able to be successful by using the church pulpits to garner votes for the last four years. For us, this year, Christmas falls on Shabbat. Sounds like going to services may be just the thing to do this year on December 25.

Hanukkah

I have a hard time getting excited about Hanukkah. Last year I could not find the menorahs and decorations and we used votive candles lined up each night for our blessings. This year, it is a miracle --as is the story of Hanukkah -- the box of menorahs appeared. We lit one for each of us, and opened the first night gifts. My daughter had gotten hers early as she wanted to wear it and I got the family a Hanukkah party box, filled with eight nights of games and activities. It is a good thing for us as I run out of things to do after eating latkes and giving a few gifts. Don't get me wrong -- I love to give gifts to my husband and daughter year round and I add on a few others (mostly kids) for Hanukkah. But I am not a crafty sort, so decorations are scant due to my lack of interest in making them. I like potato latkes, but they are greasy and we try not to eat lot of potatoes. For our daughter's sake, we are lighting the candles and acknowledging the miracle. For me, the miracle is more that we are together, healthy and happy most of the time.

Insomnia

I had horrible insomnia last night, as a result of NOT doing the proper winding down before bed. My mind raced; it was cold; the rain and snoring were loud, and I could not get comfortable. That is, until at 2:43 a.m. I climbed into my daughter's bed, piled with yummy comforters. She had told me last week it was her bed and she was spreading out to sleep, so that I would not come in during the night. But I thought last night was ok, as it is exactly 12 years to the day that we came into each other's lives. That first night, in our hotel room, we all slept huddled. That first night, she had this odd thing of tucking her tiny toes under my back to fall asleep. Last night, when I snuck into her bed, she (while still asleep) cuddled over towards me and stuck her now-bigger feet under my back.
Guess what! I fell asleep immediately.

Mitzvah Day

Another annual Mitzvah Day has ended -- our group of 200 plus volunteers made over 8000 peanut butter and fluff (marshmallow) sandwiches. It was fun to be part of the event, and some of the people were really pushy, but more were really sincere. There was a guy and his son who came early, set up tables, worked straight through with a smile. There was a woman with her young son that worked as an amazing team, with the mom scraping the jars clean as if it was her own food she was stretching. Some brought unwrapped toys to donate. All in all, these sandwiches will make meals for many homeless people, particularly as they can be frozen for later use.
As the late Rabbi Herbert Silberman said in his Rosh Hashana remarks last September, it is important to try to help others more than just once a year. He stressed the importance of doing good deeds and praying every day, just for five minutes or sharing five cents. He would have been so proud of everyone working at all the Mitzvah projects today, urging them, in his gentle way, to do more. I so miss my weekly classes with him and his precious wife -- they imparted so much of themselves in the way they taught. This Mitzvah Day would not be complete without my taking a moment to acknowledge their special impact in my life, and on all the people that surrounded them.

Dining Out -- Proceed With Caution

A recent list of tips garnered by a food critic in 13 years of dining out prompted us to think of our own ideas. The article is found at this link, with some great indicators of a good and bad restaurant experience, compiled by Howard Seftel, food critic for "The Arizona Republic."
My list follows:
1. Any restaurant that does NOT have a big pepper mill is not worth eating at.
2. If you do not want butter, olive oil should be available for dipping on request. Or, vice versa, for that matter.
3. If your server does not know the specials of the day, and you have to go outside to read them on the chalkboard, don't go back in. (Ed. note: we recently ate somewhere that happened and did not follow this advice.) Bad meal ahead.
4. If your server has to look at the menu to see what you are ordering, excuse yourself to the bathroom and leave while you still can. (Ed. note: we were once the first order ever taken by a new server, and have never sat through such a long dinner....ever, even in Brazil or France.)
5. If you are seated and no one acknowledges you within 5 minutes, take that as a hint and get out, as it will only get worse.
6. If your non-smoking table is adjacent to a smoking section, you may as well sit in smoking. (I won't do either). Or, if you placed at a small table squeezed by the kitchen door, you should take the hint -- either they don't want you there or you are being racially profiled.
7. If you have a food allergy to chicken and are accidentally served chicken, you should expect an apology from the Manager and/or Maitre'D (unless it is Maggiano's Little Italy and you are not dressed up to their standards, in which case they will just blow you off. Then you will NEVER return and will badmouth them whenever possible.)
8. If a party seated after you gets served bread before you do, just leave (if you are with me, that is, or the rest of the meal will be torture for you.)
9. If the floor is dirty, and the bathroom has not been attended to for hours (or days), take the hint. Steal some hard candies on your way out. Only take matches if they are the wooden ones.
10. Try to identify the key parties in your dining success: your server, your busperson, the expediter and the manager. You may need any or all of them.
11. If your server tells you that it is their first day, and to please be patient -- ring your own cellphone or pager, politely apologizing that you have just been called to do an emergency surgery.
That's it for now....

Home Dental Care

The dental hygienist reported to my husband recently that I needed to do better home dental care. Well, that annoyed me as it was a breach in patient confidentiality AND I don't know how she would have known since I switched to the other hygienist in the office as she does a more thorough job.
I must confess that my husband is the role model for home dental care. He loves toothpastes of all sorts and different dental apparatus. If I buy a new toothpaste, flossing device or mouthwash, we know he will be using it within the first 10 minutes it is in the house. And that is a good thing -- a few years ago, when it was discovered that placque could contribute to heart disease, he was already doing massive home dental care. Now, that it is evident that poorly cleaned teeth can increase chances of pneumonia, I am anticipating an increase in the number of brushings daily. Under his sink in the bathroom there is a bin with about five new brushes and at least 8 new tubes of toothpaste. We bought those roller things for the tubes as, in his haste and excitement to brush, often the tubes are capless and squeezed at the top. For me, I am so glad he is enjoying himself that I don't care about the tubes being squeezed at the top or left open and besides, I like different toothpastes than he does. I loved that old powder toothpaste that you poured on your brush.
Both my husband and daughter love those Brushups, the portable toothbrushing wipe. And my daughter, currently in braces, has done a phenomenal job of taking care of her teeth in braces. Our dentist suggested she could be the poster child for kids to do good dental care. As for me, I look forward to seeing what is new in the toy box when I go.